How to Be a Glam Rocker

1. Change Your Name
Have you ever heard of a Glam Rocker with the name John Smith or Mary Jane? No, you haven’t. So add some shimmer, throw in some alliteration, sprinkle in some fun. Your name is Sarah Gill? Not any more! Now it’s Sasha Sequin.  Your parents gave you the name Rodney Lee? Well why don’t you call yourself Skylar Sedsky? Or if you want to stay a little closer to your roots, Romping Rodney Redler?

2. Get A Make-Over*
Get rid of the frumpy jeans, the ratty T-Shirts, and the pathetic attempt at a hair style and start dressing for the job you want.
If you’re a guy, go for girls clothing. V-Neck shirts are good, and so are brightly colored tights. So what if you’re not supposed to wear them as pants, it’s America! At least you’re WEARING pants. Grow your hair out and get acquainted with an eyeliner pencil. It’s your new best friend.
If you’re a girl, go for motorcycle wear. Leather, jackets with skulls or indiscernible writing on the backs of them, weirdly cut pants, things like this are what you’re going to be wearing for the rest of your career. If you’ve got long hair, chop it off. And you can say adios to everything in your make-up bag. Except maybe some red lipstick. And of course, your eyeliner.

3. Learn To Play An Instrument
Seriously, you’re not in a boy band, learn to play something. If you’re female, drums or bass would be a great way of saying “I’m Glam Rock, don’t mess with me”. If you’re a guy, go for piano. I mean, let’s be real. With pants as tight as yours, you’re not going to be able to do any prancing around onstage.

4. Fall In Love
Half of all the hit songs on the radio are about love, and how can you write about something you don’t know? So fall in love, and whip up a few singles.

5. Get Dumped
And the other half is about getting your heart ripped out of your chest, thrown into the garbage disposal, and being dumped into a land fill. So please, go on a emotional rollercoaster of hurt and pain and wring a song out of your mangled heart!

6. Get Hired
Now that you’ve got the look and the lyrics, it’s time to move out of your parents’ basement and get a job.
Before you go for an interview, make sure you research the place. And just in case, tell someone where you’re going and when you should be back. Just in case.
And if one place doesn’t work out, don’t sweat it! Different record labels have different tastes, and someone somewhere HAS to like what you have to give, right?

7. Enjoy Your Fame
Go out and party (responsibly), fall in love again, and make your music. Live it up, but keep yourself grounded and remember the little people. And for goodness sake, DON’T RUN OUT OF EYELINER.

8. Have A Scandal That Ruins Your Career
To be a real star, you’ve got to fall. Get caught shop lifting from Dollar Tree, run over a dog and refuse to apologize, write a post on Twitter (a social networking site similar to Facebook) about how you can’t stand Dr. Phil or Oprah, just about anything will do.
Just get everyone to hate you, it’s not that hard.

9. Live The Rest Of Your Life In Shame And Anonymity
Now that you’ve ruined your career and are too scared to go out in public as yourself for the next ten years, it’s time to look over the choices you made in your life and doubt every single one of them.
And whatever you do, DON’T LOSE YOUR EYELINER.

* Second only to eyeliner, glitter is very important. Bathe in it if you have to, just make sure you’re covered with it. Every time you touch something, you should leave glitter on it. It’ll be your own personal calling card.